But they can’t say:
“I find Jane disgusting and lazy because she eats ice cream.”

Am I understanding you?

I do respond sometimes, and it’s not really to defend myself, as much as the haters want to twist it into ‘Go Kaleo is all upset now’. I respond, and talk about it, so other people can see it for what it is. There are lots of people reading silently. Young people, who don’t have the cognitive skills yet to see this stuff for what it is. People like my daughters. I talk about it to highlight the mind games, the dysfunctional thinking, the manipulative tactics these people use. So when others run into it in day to day life, they can see it for what it is, and not take it personally like i did for a long time, and like I see others do.

Some people think I shouldn’t talk about it. Oh well. If they don’t want to read me talking about it they can read someone else’s blog.

I read a Tim Ferriss article where he was saying that most people doing worthwhile things will attract their fair share of both fans and haters. At first he found himself ignoring his fans because he was so worked up and emotionally invested in defending himself against the haters and getting into big debates with them. Later he realized that he could simply not respond to the haters, the haters would then move on and troll somewhere else, and he could spend his time having conversations with the people he’d positively reached instead.

I read another blog post by Bret Contreras about women and weightlifting and he got a TON of negative comments, despite his blog post probably genuinely being well-intentioned. He responded to the few positive comments and ignored the negative ones, which just further infuriated the people trying to get their point across: “dude you’re accidentally being a feminist and we find it very offensive.”

So I try to ignore the trolls/bullies but address the genuine criticism.
Do you think there’s value in standing up to them? Or does that just give them a few more hours of entertainment and eat up your time?

Then there’s also the possibility that they don’t really deserve harsh judgement shot back at them. It’s very hard to tell where people are coming from and what shapes their views, especially online.

I went to a barbecue once where I only knew a couple people and, as I was being introduced around the room, a big burly 30ish year old man shouted: “Your hair is hideous. I don’t know someone would ever do that. You look like a woman. Hah!” (I have long hair.)

The room went silent and the 20 people there all stared at me waiting for a response.

I wanted to lash out and put him in his place. I wanted to SO badly. I’m not an androgynous guy and my masculinity actually really means a lot to me. I certainly don’t think being feminine as a guy is bad, but it’s not what I personally aspire to be. The statement hurt me, it was obviously meant maliciously, and my blood was boiling.

After seeing red for a second I decided that this wasn’t the time for it – this was an engagement party. I decided to take the approach I take online – I finished introducing myself to the guy whose hand I was holding and awkwardly tried my best to smile confidently.

Later on that night the father of the guy (in his 60’s) came up to me and sincerely thanked me. It turns out his son had something similar to Aspergers and struggled a lot socially.

He told me that most people treated his son cruelly and bullied him, especially when he made insensitive comments like that. (It’s easy to be a bully when you’re coming from a place of self-righteousness, right?)

Is there ever a time for turning the other cheek?
How concerned do we need to be about becoming bullies ourselves?

Hehe:

Why do YOU care so much, though, about how pretty/feminine some women choose to look? Is their appearance hurting you somehow?

Why do you find it garish and fake? I’m truly curious?

More seriously … I’m also curious why you feel that that’s a viewpoint that should be publicly displayed on a blog that tries to encourage positive body image and understanding.

I had something sorta similar occur just today while I was at an airport bar. I’m a mid-20’s Caucasian hetero guy and I dress pretty non-descript. Clothes, beyond being form fitting, I couldn’t care less about. Same with hair but for the last month I’ve been rocking a undercut, first time I’ve ever actually had a hairstyle that wasn’t just shaving/buzzing it all off or just letting it grow until I got sick of it. I originally just did for a character in a short film but have kept it since I’m digging it.

Anyway this obese, drunk, middle-aged southern guy who I was having a pleasant enough convo with at the bar out of nowhere I asked my about my hair. Why I had cut it that way!? Did I not realize that it was odd? He drunkenly explained it was unusual and implied it was something a punk kid would have. He then was essentially asking my to justify my haircut. An undercut. In California. Anyway I calmly asked him why it bothered him, what exactly made him feel the need to react so negatively to it.

His response: “It’s different, I don’t know. It’s not normal” And then he went on about he wouldn’t hire me if I applied at his company. He gave me a few drunk BS apologies yet continued to press the point in which I didn’t take the bait. At that point the bartender and and manager joined, trying to explain to him that’s not odd and just a hair style. I kept my cool, he left, clearly embarrassed and I got some apologies from the staff.

Now this doesn’t compare to the innumerable incidents of prejudice and harassment in which gay, trans and anyone really who deviates outside the “norm” with their appearance and behavior are subjected to on a daily basis.

Would it comes down to do is that my hair (so trivial I’m still stunned that happened) or in you case, your physique/face is perceived as a THREAT to sociocultural standards (or more specifically, the way in which women are expected to dress, look and act). It literally feels like disrespect to that individual or society at large. Different is bad. Different is considered unsafe. It causes discomfort, anxiety and at the core a violation.

I think your behavior is tacky and low class.