I imagine there’s been lots of gossip going around Facebook about me lately. I either left or was kicked out of my group, Eating the Food (ETF). It had something to do with racism maybe? In any case, BOY did I lose my shit in public. I’ve been purposely keeping a low profile but I know the gossip must be juicy.

What I do know for sure is that I’ve been receiving a ton of messages of support, and I am so grateful for them. I also know that what happened threw a lot of people who were involved for a loop, and they are struggling to understand it. So am I.

Here’s what I did, plain and simple: I made a REALLY misguided and poorly thought out leadership decision. In an attempt to avoid conflict in discussions of race and social justice, I unilaterally decided to impose a policy of deference to the expertise of civil rights organizations. My intention doesn’t really matter, the EFFECT was that in insisting on deferring to the experts, I was telling the group that their voices didn’t matter. It was justifiably and rightly pointed out to me that I was doing exactly what systems of oppression do, using my position of power to dismiss and marginalize the voices of actual People of Color in the conversation. I’m going to go off on a tangent now but will come back ’round to this shortly…

I’ve always thought I was part of a revolution in fitness. Fighting for the rights of everybody (and every body) to be accepted and valued by the industry. Working to change the way the industry looks, to make it more welcoming and accessible. Calling out the disorder in the industry, subverting dominant fitness culture. Fist in the air, shouting into the wind! Roar!

Except that it bothered a lot of people that I looked so much like the fitness industry ideal. Once, one of my posts about the failure of BMI to accurately determine a person’s state of health went viral and got picked up by Yahoo and xojane. It was a picture of me and some text about how in spite of being ‘overweight’ according to BMI, I was lean and healthy, and fit the industry aesthetic ideal. Several people commented that people had been saying these things for years, but the media didn’t pay attention until someone ‘fit looking’ said it. I was hurt. I wasn’t just saying those things to get media attention! I was really trying to make a change! Those comments felt like a rejection, and have stuck with me, flailing around in the dark recesses of my mind, creating quiet doubt.

I’ve received comments like that my entire blogging career. People have long questioned why I use pictures of my fit-looking body on my blog, when I blog about body acceptance. I even wrote a blog post about it. And another blog post. I do it because it gets people’s attention. And once I have their attention I can tell them how awesome they are, today, just as they are. And we build an industry changing revolution together!

Except. It was my appearance that gave me a platform on which to speak. It was my membership in dominant fitness culture that compelled people to take notice, and listen. I was never the voice of the revolution. I was never a voice from outside, fighting to be let in. I was a voice from inside. I was just creating a crack in the fitness establishment, through which the real voices of revolution could trickle. And now that trickle has become a flood. Things are changing so fast I can barely keep up. The industry is looking less and less like me every day (and I fucking LOVE it!). The true leaders of this revolution are the people who’ve FOUGHT for their voices to be heard. I didn’t really have to fight. I may have said revolutionary things, but I never had to fight to be heard. This is not my revolution. I am not the voice.

So what happened in my Facebook group? It could not have been more symbolic if we’d planned it that way. I tried to control something that wasn’t mine to control. The conversation about race. And just as being a member of dominant fitness culture precludes me from being a leader of the fitness revolution, so does my membership in dominant social culture preclude me from leading the discussion about race. This, too, is not my revolution. I am not the voice.

I built ETF because I wanted to create a space where all voices mattered. And then I made the mistake of trying to control the conversation. Maybe because I had some deep unrecognized fear of letting go? Maybe because the mantel of leadership became too heavy? Maybe because I was blind to my role as insider? Maybe all those things coalescing at the same time? I created ETF because I wanted a place where all voices mattered, and in the end, that’s what ETF became. The voices of revolution rose and overpowered mine. And I had to quiet my own voice and let them. I left ETF, to make room for the real voices of revolution to rise. Because it was never my revolution. I am not the voice.

So where does that leave me? Many of you have asked, and expressed concern. I am tired. My voice has been polarizing from the beginning. People love me or hate me. Those who hate me are cruel and relentless. I am tired of being gossiped about. I am tired of being watched, and baited, and trolled. People who love me have expectations that I can’t always live up to. I need a break. My physical and mental health have been deteriorating for a while now. And it’s apropos for me to take a break. Voices of revolution are rising. Mine needs to make way. Because it’s not my revolution. I am not the voice.

Sean and I will still be coaching the Habit Project together. I have really been enjoying coaching, and connecting with my clients, lately! So you can find me there. I’ll still blog when I have something to talk about. My Facebook page will stay up and I’ll update it when inspiration hits. I’m tossing around the idea of creating a little forum here on my blog. Something small. But not for a bit. I have to spend some time with my family, and I’m still recovering physically and mentally from my surgery last year.

But I don’t think I’ll be making too many waves in the industry any more. I don’t think I’ll be challenging people and institutions the way I have in the past. Because the voices of revolution are rising. And they are awesome and beautiful and glorious and, in the end, SO much more powerful than mine! And it’s time for mine to get out of their way.

Because in the end, just as in the beginning, it’s not my revolution. And I am not the voice.