The Most Unhealthy Meal Ever Created*

*Warning: this post contains epic amounts of sarcasm. Read at your own risk.

I don’t share recipes often, but I was so pleased with myself for creating such a horrifyingly unhealthy recipe that I couldn’t help but share!

This recipe contains so many toxic ingredients it’ll make your head spin! We start with onions, which contain allicin, which is, of course, toxic. I browned them in olive oil. We all know that heating olive oil makes it toxic. Legumes (lentils and chickpeas) contain lectins which are both inflammatory and toxic and trigger leaky gut!!! YIKES! The chickpeas were canned, so likely contained BPA (even though I used a brand that claims there is no BPA in their cans. You can’t trust Big Food though.) Broccoli and kale are both goitrogens which are, again, toxic. They also contain oxalic acid, SO TOXIC!!! I used condensed stock (which is of course toxic) rather than taking the time to prepare home made bone broth – I am a horrible person. :( The water I used was from my tap, which is toxic. If I really cared about my health I would use paleo water. I added some chopped tomatoes on a whim, which are a nightshade and a deadly toxin.

In the plus column, I used celery, which according to is actually ok, but only if you can determine through a series of mental gymnastics that you are really, truly hungry. My hunger did not meet the criteria, so I imagine it was toxic as well.

Here is the sinister simmering result:

Screen Shot 2013-12-05 at 9.23.06 AM


Splash of olive oil
1 onion, chopped
Several stalks of celery, chopped
About a cup of dried red lentils
2 quarts stock
1 can chickpeas, drained
1 head of broccoli, stems and florets, chopped
several handfuls of kale
2-4 ripe tomatoes, chopped
salt and pepper to taste

Soak and rinse the lentils, set aside. Brown the onions and celery in olive oil, then add lentils and stock. Bring to a boil, let simmer until lentils start to soften. Add broccoli stems and chickpeas and simmer a few minutes, then add florets, kale and tomatoes and simmer a few more minutes until everything is cooked through. Turn off heat and let sit for a few minutes, then serve with salt and pepper to taste.

*I didn’t have any garlic or I would have added it to increase the toxicity.

Enjoy! Until it kills you, of course.


40 thoughts on “The Most Unhealthy Meal Ever Created*

  1. The real question is… you really not use organic for all these already toxic ingredients'''' I’m dumbfounded :)

  2. Sorry, but he celery is a member of the “Dirty Dozen” unless of course it was organic. Nonetheless, it is toxic because it has a higher sodium level than most vegetables.
    You should go into the soup selling business. I would love to see the label. lol

  3. I want to share this with all my food woo-woo friends. Brilliant.

    I love your reality-centered approach to diet and fitness. Thank you for bringing some reason back into the madness.

  4. great post, although i can’t help thinking you’ve missed a trick

    if you add *paleo approved* bacon to the mix it might help offset all that toxic stuff :-)

  5. Holy cow. I LOVE this post!! Seriously, with so many claims about what is “healthy” and whats not now days, it’s s surprise we haven’t all been driven to the insane asylum! If each new hype was true, heck, we would all be dead.

    I can understand the science behind a few things, sure. But with many things, it’s similar to the whole… “To eat the egg yolk or to not eat the egg yolk” debate. You’ll never find an answer for EVERYONE.

    I personally love legumes, and couldn’t go Paleo due to the fact that much of my protein comes from them. I’ve grown up in the south and we love a good pot of pinto beans for dinner! And am I dead yet? Nope!

    This is a great post! :)

    • Completely agree. I was starting to feel like drinking distilled water well-boiled was going to be toxic. I went back to beans and (gasp!) even an occasional piece of wheat bread (don’t tell anyone about the fruit….oh, the FRUIT. Love you, fruit). I seem to be doing fine. This post is AWESOME!

  6. Actually, cooking neutralizes the goitrogens, but have you heard of the psychoactive properties of garlic?

    Better watch it with that!

    On a personal note, soup makes me gain 10-15lb of water weight which takes days to pee out, even from one bowl. I love soup, but I guess all the nutrient laden broth is hard on my kidneys, which are damaged from migraine medication I overused as a young adult. I am terribly allergic to lentils and chickpeas, and can’t be around anyone eating them or them cooking/steaming, without itching, hives and mild anaphylaxis – this allergy started with congestion, eczema and what felt like bronchitis after eating them.

    I think people with barrier integrity issues are the ones who have to worry about lectins and such, but we are a small subset of the population. Do a scholarly article search on that term for skin, intestinal, mucosa, etc, with eczema, allergies, etc. You will find information about it. The bottom line is, if you feel healthy on your current diet and don’t have major health issues, why change it? I was very, very sick, so I made changes to my diet which helped me immensely. Almost all of my problems were diet related (food allergies, diabetes), but this does not mean I feel everyone should change what they eat. I am in love with a man who can eat anything – I need to figure out how to break it to him that he can’t eat steaming allergenic foods in the same room with me, LOL, but other than that, he can eat whatever he wishes.

    I think most of the people worried about these things for other people want everyone to discover the gateway to healthy they have. The rest are just crazy nitpickers.

    • “On a personal note, soup makes me gain 10-15lb of water weight which takes days to pee out, even from one bowl.”

      Wow, that’s remarkable.

  7. I love this!! Even though I’ve come a long way in my orthorexic/restrictive/paleo/primal style of eating, I still have a hard time not thinking of certain things as toxic. It’s such BS though and that’s why I love you! I was totally healthy, lean and happy when I never thought about toxins.

    • I’ve had disordered eating in the past too. Finally I have educated myself on what REAL nutrition is all about… stick to whole, quality, from the earth food is my motto. I don’t feel the need to complicate it farther than that, trying to claim that “beans are toxic” or that my tap water is going to give me cancer. ;)

  8. Nope – celery is toxic… at least to my daughter (makes her mouth itch) – you nailed it, nothing is safe. How are we all alive?

    Clearly you will die someday if you keep eating like this ;)

  9. Celery contains a toxin that makes your skin more sensitive to UV damage (so do parsnips). Your meal is very, very toxic. It surprising you survived it. Are you ok though? Really ok?

  10. I make similar soup regularly, but with Swiss chard. I expect to die tomorrow, so why not live it up?

  11. LOLZ … I used to live like this, no wonder why my kids and husband think I’m nuts. I am so glad that I can eat food without worrying about all of this craziness. I can’t believe that I EVER gave up lentils. What the hell was I thinking, they’re delicious!!!

  12. Wow, I just read that Robb Wolf link, and I don’t recommend it. That was one of the most eating-disordered things I’ve ever read. Absolutely disturbing.

    • In seriousness, I agree. I rarely call people out specifically (I tend more toward vague suggestions when highlighting a disordered element of the fad diet industry), but this particular post is dangerous. It’s straight up pro-ana.

      • Seriously! A lot of that stuff I could’ve read in 1980s “women’s mags” during the Jane Fonda / Dexatrim era. Sometimes it seems like a lot of paleo talk is simply a macho and/or “nutritionist” veneer that makes pro-ana feel OK for men and others who don’t identify with the teenage girl stereotype, but feel driven to self-starve anyway. The sad thing is, it might start as a “choice” but going hungry soon becomes a dangerous addiction (or compulsion, not sure the best word?).

        It’s very scary that diet gurus preach that the body and its self-protective instincts (hunger, in whatever form!) are suspect and dangerous.

  13. I recently started following your blog but you f’n rock! Paleo water…that one is my favorite. :-)

  14. Comrade Kaleo’s self-criticism begins well, but is deficient in several points.

    Comrade has neglected to mention the formation of highly toxic Advanced Glycation End-Products from browning the onions. Furthermore, the high phytic acid content of legumes ought to be mentioned alongside the lectins, as phytic acid is a dangerous toxin that can cause deficiency in vital nutrients. The fiber in the legumes ought to be condemned for promoting the overgrowth of the candida fungus, a powerful toxin. Most damningly of all, comrade Kaleo omitted the devastating obesogenic effects of a meal so high in carbohydrates – glucose, a dose-dependent metabolic toxin, reduces lifespan and causes cancer if consumed unchecked.

    I suggest that Comrade Kaleo would benefit from a remedial re-education through ketosis.

    (in case it wasn’t obvious: this is a joke. This is what happens when you spend too much time making In Soviet Russia witticisms to yourself. I’m so sorry.)

  15. I bet you’re going to go and tear and stress all your poor muscles later with exercise! Shame on you!

  16. Your blog is the best. I have even recommended it to students who may need a sane perspective amid all the craziness out there. And, thanks for the recipe! I will enjoy poisoning myself with it very soon. :-)

  17. This was truly hilarious. This expressed why I can’t stand reading the comments threads on most of the blogs I follow. Everyone needs to lighten up a little!

  18. Hummm, Looks yummy to me!! Thanks for the recipe. I’ll be trying it out soon. I do my best to eat whole foods a majority of the time. You had me laughing while reading your blog. I love your sarcasm! :)

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